Big

And here, again, is that step, that leap of faith. That understanding that what is happening is beyond your control and sometimes even your knowledge, but you go for it. Because you have to.

Today we officially started the process for M to begin taking growth hormone!

Sort of.

It didn’t just happen. He had some odd sleep disturbances whilst in the UK (thank you Leanna, for being there in the middle of the night while I rushed him to the ER). Convulsions, fits, oddness. On several occasions. I called it “the starfish”… the way he would jerk into a “star” pose every few minutes while trying to fall asleep. Then it would wake him up and he would cry, cry, cry. Not fun. (And here’s one of the only times I’ll complain about the NHS- they sucked!) He was diagnosed with a sleep disorder but we couldn’t get further tests in Aberdeen. We were soon off to the US for a visit home and I got more info from our family doc than I could from all of the specialists in Scotland. We were put on a waiting list 1 year long for more definite answers. Then we moved to Singapore and with the snap of our fingers got in to the top Paediatric Neurologists and then Endocrinologists. In fact we’ve became regulars with Paediatric Neurology and Endocrinology.
And they have been brilliant!

But while M sleeps better now he has not grown. And, who knew?, sleep and growth are related in babies and toddlers.

When the sleep issues subsided Neurology eventually handed us over to Endocrinology and I don’t think I could love that doctor more. The way he sits, takes time, and explains things is amazing. He talks to you like you are an educated, intelligent individual who can make an informed decision even if you are not a doctor yourself. (And I know A LOT of doctors who are not capable of this. They think they are God! Usually I have to get my can of Whoop Ass out and explain the mistakes that were made on me and then they back off a bit. Sheesh. Can’t you just treat patients with respect from the get go? I don’t want God-of-all-things-medical here, I want someone to talk to me like I am worthy of the conversation.) I always thought if either of the boys got Type 1 I would be so grateful to have this guy go through it with us. I Googled him and turns out he is one of the top gurus in all of Singapore. He is amazing!

And he has sat with us for a year now. And M has not grown like he should. And I know- a lot of people with experience with kids say, Oh he’s fine! He’s just small! But the reality is, the factors that play into growth come from the same system that deals with autoimmune diseases like Type 1. So M very likely has a deficiency inherited from me.

And I don’t care if M is short- God no! But there are a lot of things going on that need attention. During our last appointment the doctor told me that if we didn’t see improvement we should look at growth hormone.

And of course, in typical fashion, I got weepy but then I bucked up. My God we are lucky to have this doctor on our side, to say “we” instead of just talking about his own decisions…. I went home and thought and then decided whatever he suggested we would do. I trusted him. I trusted this.
And of course as a mother you always think it was something you did while you were pregnant (or after) to cause whatever went wrong with your kid. I remember my sister being concerned that the reason both her girls had glasses was because she didn’t breastfeed, and somehow that screwed them up. And for me, I have had a whole host of concerns with M... After D was born I was told I couldn’t have any more kids, so I didn’t “find out” I was pregnant with M until late. I just didn’t think it was possible! In fact I told people I was feeling rough, “I feel like I’m pregnant but I’m not.” Um, denial, anyone? My blood sugars were too high and the poor kid was probably fermenting in utero thanks to all those Scottish Happy Hours. Geez.


So today J took off work and we went. Looked again at the results- the points plotted on the graph, the dismal picture of M sitting below the 3rd percentile in everything.

And we talked, and talked and talked. About genetics, family history, inherited traits, catch-up growth, probabilities, velocity, standard deviations, sample pools…. Everything. Side effects of growth hormone… everything.

And I felt like closing my eyes, and feeling my hands out into the darkness, reaching for an answer.

And together we came up with one: more labwork. And while I hated to put the screaming M through needles and blood I am just not sure at this point which path to take. So we’ll let the lab numbers give us a story before we all (!) make up our minds.

I think it will end up being growth hormone.

But I don’t know.

Until then, I pray for M to grow…. big….