And what a week it has been!!
The lyric in the subject line, while sounding hopeful, is actually a bit dismal. Because I know better and gave up on hope a long time ago.
But I have had a great week!
It has been AMAZING being back in the classroom. I have great kids (yes, of course they talk too much and I hate when I have to repeat myself because they don't listen, blah, blah, blah) and I love my schedule, the school, my colleagues, etc. Of course nothing is totally rosy but I truly love this job because I am finally doing something that I have spent years in college, etc. preparing to do. And for once since I have been back in the US I feel like all of my travels and experiences are finally paying off. Everything we have covered in the textbook is related to something I have seen or done. My students love my "stories" that relate to the material (the class is World Geography) and on Friday when they took their quiz on the stuff I had covered they did great. They asked if I could stay all year long! (I wish!) I have been all but formally offered a job for next year, but this experience has taught me so much and I will never again assume something is going to land in my lap. After this job I will go to teach Junior High (yikes!) and all the while I am still working at the gym... I taught all of my regular Saturday classes this morning! I am tired now! No matter- I am not closing any doors nor cutting myself off from any opportunity to work. It has been too hard and too scary and way too damn depressing these past months.
So why the dismal song lyric as a subject? Well, let me explain it first. I have been texting a lot with an old friend who is such a big part of my life I cannot explain. We have been through "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." both in our lives and our friendship, and I am so utterly grateful to have contact with this friend now and always. Today she texted me a line from one of our favorite Dixie Chick's songs- Am I the Only One (Who's Ever Felt This Way): "One more smile's all I can fake." And I started thinking about that song, this job, my situation, life lately, and all that is up on my plate so to speak this week. It is definitely uncanny- in the summer I interviewed at School P with Principal M. It was crazy and convoluted and I was essentially going for a job that didn't exist, sort of, offered something kind of, my Mom was spoken to (random) and then the job was given to The Young and Beautiful New Grad from Arkansas. So then recently I interviewed at School O and was told I was too nice, but really I knew they had someone else in mind.
There is a wound inside me, and it's bleeding like a flood...
So, hold on to that alphabet- here's where my life gets interesting. I found out about the long term sub job at School W. School W's Department Chair called to talk about the position and in the conversation I heard, "... blah, blah, blah- Yes the girl who was in the sub job had been a student teacher here and then worked as a sub because she didn't get hired this summer. It's really hard when you don't have experience, etc. and are new. Anyway she just got a job at School O." I about vomited. Seriously. The Principal at School O had outright lied to me about the candidate they chose. I was so pissed off. I simply said, "Well, good luck to her. I interviewed for that job as well." FUCK.
One more smile's all I can fake.
(Thanks, T.)
I was steaming. Seriously. And I became damn determined to get this sub job and get my fucking foot wedged in the door.
Now my next assignment is for an old colleague from 10+ years ago who is Department Chair at School P, and I get to work for the boss that f***ed me over with Miss Arkansas. I am going to the Department Chair's baby shower on campus on Monday! Good lord, I sure do know how to torture myself. But I will be graceful and charming and act like nothing is wrong. I don't dare burn a bridge and tell him off like I wish I could.
Now my sense of humor needs a break...
And Department Chair at School P has just informally offered me a job for next year. This is getting hysterical!
There's times when I see a light ahead, hope is not enough...
Am I bitter? Probably. Wiser? Most definitely. Forgiving? Hell no. Not yet. Needing a drink? Well, what do you think?
A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
Yes, my face is wearing this drama for sure.
All in all though, I am happy to go to both of my jobs and I am in a good place right now (even if it does feel like it's on a tightrope.) I keep working toward a signed teaching contract and a little more security.
I'll get there!
And I am certainly grounded this weekend as we prepare for M's surgery on Monday. I cannot be there because of the details of my sub agreement and I get a little teary about that when I dwell on it, but I have to stop and think about that step out off the edge of all I can see and know is concrete. That step that makes me believe in faith. That assures me it will be okay. The step that helps me defy gravity.
Lord I wish I was made of stone.
So- first the complete song, then some pictures.
There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like I fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake
There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There's times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
Grandma came down and made Oreo jello pudding pie with the boys. I cleaned!
They added Halloween sprinkles.
A yummy coated apple from our neighborhood's Craft Fair today.
Cards, popcorn and lemonade. Good times.
M was watching a DVD and was seriously tired.
We spent the evening outdoors again. It was great! M was saying here that he was stirring his witches brew. Hmmm...
J and D both love this 300 piece puzzle of the United States. They are slightly obsessed. Sigh.
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